It's Not Resolutions, It's Just A List!

Twelve Things to do in 2010 (in no particular oder):

1. Get an actual stamp in my passport
2. GRADUATE!!
3. Get a Texas drivers license
4. Sit on the beach and do nothing for a whole day- and don’t feel bad about it (sitting by a pool is also acceptable)
5. Learn to cook something outrageously fancy
6. Go on vacation without a plan, or even a map
7. Use the free volunteer day from work
8. Get a free makeover at the department store makeup counter
9. Host a dinner party
10. Get a pedicure
11. Make a quilt
12. Donate blood

It's a Beautiful Ride

Sometimes life is surprising. Just when I think I have it all figured out, something comes and knocks me off my feet. Luckily, all of my surprises this week have been good. Better than good, amazing actually.

Thanksgiving was really good, low stress, the food was good, and there was very little clean up. Someday I am going to go all out and make a huge dinner, complete with centerpieces, and things from scratch, but this is not that year. I added water to things, stirred, and had a great time doing it!

Black Friday was everything I imagined it would be! We went to the outlets, which we thought opened at midnight, but ended up opening at ten! We went to Gap, Banana Republic, and Victoria's Secret, and then at 12:30 went to Target where we camped out until 5. This is when things got interesting. We were about 20th in line, and I knew I wanted a Chi hair straightener, as did Alisha. The ladies behind us let me know where they would be (apparently they frequent this Target a lot!) so it became my mission to get one. The doors open. I try not to be one of the crazy running people, but I can't help it! I'm too excited! Plus, I can't feel my feet due to camping out for the last 4 hours... I find the Chi's (does anyone else think it is funny that it sounds like cheese?), there are only four of them, and they are locked up. I finally found a worker, and asked them to please open it so I can get them! I run back to the display, where I am still the only one there. Very quickly, a line starts to form. I inform those around me that I am getting two. The lady finally comes to open the display, and hands me one. I tell her I need two. She looks at the line, which now has about 10 people in it, looks at the Chi's and looks at me. Everyone was glaring at me as she handed me my second one! I took it and high tailed it out of there as fast as I could! I spent the rest of the time in Target hiding them under a down comforter, hoping no one would recognize me.

Who Needs Sleep?

This has been quite the eventful week. It all started with getting up at 3 AM on Tuesday to see the meteor shower, and ended last night with (another) Spurs game! While the week was amazing, and just kept getting better, I feel like I am ready to climb into bed and never get out!! But, as usual, there is no rest in sight, which makes me SO EXCITED for my vacation that is coming up in 13 DAYS!!!! I plan to lay by the pool, soak up sun, and not do much else!!

Stay on the Sunny Side

Those who spend any sort of time with me know that I complain. A lot.

Sometimes I need to look around and see how amazing my life is. At times, it almost overwhelms me how blessed I am. Those who work with me know how much I love lists, so below is list of all the things I love about my life:

Popsicles
Friends (actual people, and the TV show)
The Internet
Skirts
Sleeping in
Working out
French toast
Singing at the top of my lungs
Getting my passport
Facebook
Waking up in a warm bed
The Spurs
Forgiveness
Dancing
The wide mouth frog joke
Fun music
Cell phones
A good job
The Gospel
High heels
Peace
YouTube
Roommate blog
Being goofy
A walk in closet
Driving my car
Being free
Reading feel good blogs
Putting on makeup
Service
Dressing up for work
Going to church
Sitting on a balance ball
Eating ice cream
Swimming laps
Laughing
Jumping on the trampoline
Inside jokes
Love

I Made It

I ran (read: walked) my first 5k this weekend. I didn't stop once, which was my only goal. Well, that, and finishing. For pictures, see the roommate blog! I had a really hard workout the day before, so I was pretty beat by the end of the day, and sore all over on Sunday. But I did it!

Life has been a little more than crazy lately. I feel like I barely have time to breathe. My laundry is piling up, I never grocery shop, and I can't remember the last time I did my nails. It's good, because I feel like I am actually doing something with my life, but I think it's kind of sad when I have to schedule time to relax.

I've been thinking a lot about time management lately. I have read several books and even taken a couple of trainings on the subject. So I know the concept. But finding a system that works for me is hard! My life is too spontaneous to have a firm plan in place, and too busy to not have one. Finding the balance between over planning and under planning is difficult for me. My organized side wants to schedule every waking moment, while my social side begs for time to go out at a moments notice.

I had a boss once who compared his life to plate spinning. I didn't really understand what he meant at the time, being a college student who thought it was normal to not have anything to do until 10 AM every day. But now I see what he meant. As soon as I get a couple of plates in the air, I have to run over and make sure that others aren't falling. I manage to keep them all spinning, but I'm always running. One moment of rest, and it all could fall down. I feel a little more like this guy!

Check it Out

October issue of the roommate newsletter is out! Find it at The Whole SheBang link to the right!

Who Wouldn't Want to Be Me?

I wish time would have not have flown by this weekend! I had so many moments when I was overwhelmed with how blessed I am, and how amazing my life is. I wanted to stop and take it all in, but time flies, and before I knew it, something else was happening! From Six Flags to dancing to watching movies and shopping it was non stop fun! Be sure to check out the roommate blog for pictures and stories!

It's the Small Things

I have been sick for the last five days. I can't remember the last time I was sick for this long! I think being sick has a purpose, to make us more thankful for when we are not sick!

Yesterday I finally felt like a person again, and today was a little better, and it feels SO good to be able to breathe. I never wake up in the mornings thinking "Man, breathing out of my nose is SO awesome!" until I can't do it. Even though I was sick, and wishing I were home in bed, it still felt so good today to just be alive. Or maybe it was the cold medication, going to my head!

Roommate Blog!

My roommates started a blog, we even have a monthly newsletter. Check it out, if you want to!

http://thewholeshebanghouse.blogspot.com/

I Probably Shouldn't Be THIS Excited...

But I'm on the Cakewrecks blog!! See if you can find me!

The trip to Austin was amazing, it started with a stop at Ikea for free breakfast and a few purchases, then to a Chinese restaurant, then the CakeWrecks book signing with the best cake I've ever put in my mouth (if you're ever looking for amazing cake in Austin, go to Wicked cakes!), then to the State Capitol, (which was awesome!!) and then a stop at the outlets in San Marcos. It was fun packed non stop all day. I give the trip a 9 1/2. It would have been a 10 if we would have listened to Alisha and parked in the good spot.

But the highlight of the whole trip is pulling up Cakewrecks and seeing my smiling face! I'm practically a celebrity...

A Thought

This article was really eye opening to me. I feel this way sometimes, like I want to throw myself down on the floor and kick and scream. Thinking of it this way makes a lot of sense!

I Still Haven't Found What I'm Looking For

Today I got something I thought I really wanted. The thing I thought would make my life so much better was given to me. And it didn't help. In fact, I actually feel worse now.

I think this is true of a lot of things in my life. I am not one to sit around and wish for something. If I really want something to happen, I'll make it happen no matter what. There have been times in my life when I am pushing for something I want, and a little voice is telling me to stop, turn around, go a different direction. But I don't listen. I press on, blindly, stupidly until I get what I want, which is never what I thought it would be. It never makes me happy.

It's hard for me to sit back and trust that good things are going to happen, and that there is something bigger happening in my life then I can see right now. I don't want to look back and see that my whole life was spent waiting for things to happen to me, but I also don't want to see that I ran around my whole life looking for something that does not exist.

I know I'm not making much sense right now, but then again, neither is my life these days!

Update

I didn't die. Barely.

Zero is the Happiest Number!

The unthinkable happened. In a good way. I paid off my credit card. Seriously. Balance: $0.00. I honestly can't believe it. I never thought this day would come!

I have my first session with my personal trainer tomorrow. I might die.

Have I Mentioned I Love to Sleep?

I woke up this morning feeling deliciously well rested. I stretched a little, enjoyed the feeling of being warm and comfortable. I was listening to the soothing sound of a lawnmower a few houses down. I pondered the beauty of life, and thought about all the things I was grateful for, with a comfortable bed being at the top of the list. All of the sudden, it dawns on me that it is rather quiet in my house, and rather light outside. I sit up straight in bed. The warm and relaxed feeling is gone. I look at the clock. It is 11:00 AM. Work started at 9:00 AM.

In my defense, I had a really hard time falling asleep last night. I was getting ready for bed at a reasonable hour when my roommates from college four way called me to plan our pre-wedding trip, and I got so excited I couldn't fall asleep! At 12:30 I finally gave up on sleeping and went downstairs to read. I read The Lion, The Witch and the Wardrobe. The. Whole. Thing. At 3:00 I decided it was time to go back to bed. I have a vague memory of my alarm going off at 7:00, at which point I must have turned it off and promptly fell back asleep.

I was so well rested today that I got as much done as I would have if I would have gone in at 9. I'm going to propose new work hours. They are called "Wake up when you want and come to work". Somehow I have a feeling they wont go over well!

Happy October 1st!

I love the first day of the month. There is something so cleansing about tearing off the past months calendar, with all of it's grafitti (my desk calendar, in my mind, is basically a huge note pad that just happens to remind me of the date) and mess and turn to a clean new month, full of possibilities!

I can't believe how quickly time is flying! In a week and a half it will be 16 months that I have lived in San Antonio. Wow! It will also be one year that I have lived with Tia! Last week was one year since I started blogging. So many milestones!

I never thought I would say this, but I am really enjoying the weather cooling down. Summer really took it out of me this year! It might be that it didn't rain all summer and the whole town was brown, or that the humidity finally got to me, but I am actually excited to be able to wear my sweaters, tights, and jackets that have been packed away for the summer! Of course, in another month I will be whining about how cold it is. Moral of the story: I'm never happy when it comes to the weather.

I'm a Dropout!

They announced a few months ago that we were going to start taxing us for our tuition, if we spent more than a certain amount. Well thanks to my doubling up of classes, I reached that amount last class. So I decided after much thought to stop school until January. A first I was euphoric, thinking of all the activities I could do now that I don't have homework to hold me back! But I have been out of school for all of a week, and I am bored!! I open my computer and surf the internet aimlessly, just wanting to have something to procrastinate. I also realize that I used school as a reason to not do things I didn't want to do. "I can't, I have homework" is such a great out! So while I'm sure I will enjoy my time away from school, I am also excited to be going back. But someone please stop me if I decide I want another degree after this one. Seriously.

Bless My Broken Road!

It's become pretty obvious in the last few days that I am supposed to stay in San Antonio. Not that I really wanted to leave, but I am always looking for the next thing, and I assumed that the next thing would take me out of the state, or at least the city. So now I have to decide where to go from here. This is what I am thinking:

1) I will not play the victim and let my life happen to me. I am in control of my decisions, and I create the life I want. If there is something in my life I do not like I have two choices: change the situation, or change my mind.

2) I will count my blessings every day. I am blessed beyond anything that I deserve, and I need to remember that before I start whining about things I think I am entitled to.

3) I will make more of an effort to excel in everything I do, even things that seem small or meaningless.

I still do not know where I'm headed, but when I get there, it's going to be in style!

Why Say No, When it Feels So Good To Say Yes

I know this will come as no surprise to those who know me, but I have a hard time saying "no". Not that I say yes to things that I really don't want to do, that it no problem, it's that I actually, genuinely, want to do just about everything! Going to see a movie? Count me in! Need help with moving? I'm there! Going to breakfast/lunch/dinner somewhere? Call me! The problem is that I do not think, while I am giving resounding yeses to everyone around me, of my already full calendar. I never think to pull it out before agreeing to something, and make sure I don't have something else planned the same night. This has caused more than a little grief and loss of sleep for me in the past, but I never seem to learn my lesson.

I'm trying to take this as a positive. Hopefully it is only teaching me to manage my time more effectively. Maybe at some point in my life I will need the skill of juggling an insane amount of work, and it will be no sweat.

In more exciting and less whiny news, I am significantly blonder than I was two days ago! I got my hair done again, and I am remembering why I love the lightness!

Signs You Don't Update Your Blog Enough

1. Friends and family who used to read and comment regularly look at you blankly when you talk about your blog. "You have a blog?" they ask.

2. Your "automatic sign in" doesn't remember your user name or password anymore.

3. You forget what your layout looks like.

I know I have been not as great at posting lately, but nothing has really happened to me. I go to work, I come home, do church stuff, then homework, and repeat. But on Wednesday I flew up to Salt Lake and spent some time with my sister, my Grandma, and a great friend, and now I am road tripping it back to San Antonio, which has been awesome. Wyoming is FOREVER. It seems longer than Texas! We are staying the night in Colorado, and will be going through Oklahoma and then down through North Texas. So far, there hasn't been anything super exciting, but we did get an ice cream cone for 50 cents! So life is good!

Bountiful

Last week I did something I hadn't done in a really really long time. My laundry. All of it. There was nothing in my laundry basket for at least twelve hours! I even folded it and put it all away! And that was when I realized: I have a lot of clothes. Most of the time enough clothes are in the hamper, or not folded and laying on one side of my bed, that I never worry about hanger or drawer space. But with everything clean, I had to steal (borrow!) some hangers from my roommate, and then I had to squish everything down to close my dresser drawers. And now I laugh at myself when I think I have nothing to wear. Also, my shoe collection seems to be multiplying! I used to be able to fit everything in my over the door hanger, with only some three shoes to a pocket, but now, I have the door hanger, a basket in the closet, and a pile in Tina's room. It's a good thing Tina is patient!!

On the Road Again

I am in the airport, after another vacation/work trip to Phoenix. This vacation/training was perfect timing for me. I really needed a vacation, but didn't have much time off, and the way this worked out, I basically got a five day vacation, and only have to submit for 4 hours!! It was a total blast, and very relaxing, but I'm pretty sure I gained 10 pounds!! I sure do miss the restaurants here... I also miss the shopping. I went to Goodwill with my cousin after lunch on Saturday. The Goodwill's in San Antonio are dirty, smelly, and have next to nothing. They also do not have 50% of Saturdays. I do not shop there. The Goodwill here was amazing! I tried on a ton of clothes, but after discovering that it was not 50% off Saturday (they happen every other weekend) I decided that $9.99 was too much for a used dress, but I did score two extremely cute pairs of shoes for less than $15 (and that included two bottles of water! It's very important to stay hydrated when in the desert!). The only struggle was trying to pack them this morning... But I succeeded!

I feel like I am at a turning point right now, like the decisions that I am making now are going to be those that will affect me forever. Strangely, I don't feel any pressure like I usually would. I feel very calm, and confident that everything is going to work out. I think that's a good sign.

Relief?

I found out today I didn't get the job in Phoenix. I was a little sad, it's never nice to be told that someone didn't want you, but I felt pretty good about it, once my wounded pride stopped smarting. It felt a lot like when I didn't get into the grad school I wanted to go to. That very night, my cousin randomly called and told me about UOPX, and told me I should apply there. Things really fell in to place for me after that, and I think it's one of the best things I have done. Plus, now I don't have to make a decision, it was pretty much made for me! I feel like I have been holding by breath for the last month, and now I can finally exhale. A good feeling!

In other news, I have not been grocery shopping in a very long time (emphasis on VERY) and so I am eating a loaf of store bought bread that I got for our trip to the beach (which was AMAZING, btw!) and it is so gross! I remember now why I started making my own bread! Which made me pretty proud of myself. I make bread! How cool is that??

Tomorrow I turn 25. I'm pretty much over the freak-out stage, especially since I feel more direction now that I know I am staying here. Everyone has been so nice about my birthday. My amazing roommate is making me a breakfast that looked amazing even in the prep stages (and I wonder why I have put on weight lately??) and my coworkers are planning something, but I'm not quite sure what. They did ask what my favorite color was, and mentioned something about a tiara. I feel like a huge brat, but I love my birthday, and love making a big deal out of it! I always laugh at people that get mad when friends/family forget their birthdays. No one in the history of the Earth has ever forgotten my birthday. Possibly because I start a countdown at least a month before, and be sure everyone knows my shoe size, just in case they get the urge to get me a little something :) All of this is just another reminder of how amazing my life is, and how blessed I am in every aspect of my life!

A Tale of Two Cities

I have been freaking out the last few days. Ok, maybe more than a few days. The short version of the story is that I applied for a job in Phoenix a few weeks ago, and made it through the final round of interviewing, and will be flying to Phoenix tomorrow to do my final interview. All of this has made me realize how amazingly blessed I am here in San Antonio, and how much I don't want to leave. It has also made me realize how much I want this job. I have prayed and fasted about this, and I still have no idea what I should do. That could be becuase I don't actually have a decision to make, since I don't have the job yet, and might not even get it. But I just keep wondering if I really can leave here. From the first day I drove my U-Haul into town, San Antonio has felt like home. I've had my ups and downs, but over all, this past year has been one of the happiest of my whole life. I have met some of the greatest people, and had some of the greatest experiences. But I can't help but wonder if this was just a temporary resting place, a place to learn and grow, but not to actually land. It kills me to think of leaving the people, the parties, the Riverwalk and the Alamo, and the BBQ! This has also made me realize how lucky I am to have the amazing people in my life that I am blessed with. My dad called today and offered to drive 34 hours in a truck with no AC to move me, so I wouldn't have to spend the money on a U-Haul. My amazing roommates have watched my try on twenty different outfits to help me decide what to wear for my interview, and watched my presentation to give me pointers. My co workers have made it very clear how much I would be missed at the campus, but have given me their unwavering support. All of this is making it very hard for me to leave!! But I know, in the end, that things happen for a reason, and that no matter what happens, I will be just fine.

Satuday Night, No Homework!

It's a miracle! I just turned in my homework, and wont have any more to do until I get some feedback from my instructor on Monday. So it's Saturday night, I don't have homework, and I have no idea what to do!! I think I'm a loser! But a well educated one, at least :)

I had a phone interview for a job in Phoenix this week. I'm not sure how I want it to work out. But we'll see!

The Parable of the Piano

I got my piano tuned yesterday, for the first time since I've had it! I don't know when it was tuned before that, but it's been a while, I'm guessing. There was one key that hadn't worked since I can remember, and the sustaining pedal hadn't worked in a few years either. The piano tuner guy came, and was trying to fix the key, and guess what he pulled out- a penny! It had been under the key for a really long time, he said it was even jammed into the wood from people trying to get the key to work. After he left I was playing the piano, and it was so beautiful! I was instantly a 25% better pianist! It was so easy to get everything fixed, and took less than two hours. I wondered why I had put off doing it before!

This made me think of a bit by Brian Reagan, a comedian I love. He talks about going to the eye doctor after not having been there for seven years. He puts his new glasses on and is amazed at how well he sees. "How can 'instantly improve vision' not be at the top of the to do list? Egh, I'll see tomorrow, I've got a sock drawer I need to clean out."

I think of how many times I do this. There is something in my life that isn't quite right, but it's good enough, I'm getting by, so I let it sit. And then once I fix it, I am surprised at not only how easy it was, but how much of an improvement it made. How great would it be to get all of those things fixed quickly, and not have to spend more energy on them?

The Big Two Five

I have the same birthday as my mom. Almost every year since I can remember we have spent the day together, eating out, shopping, going to a water park, whatever strikes our fancy that year. This year my mom announced that she wanted to hold off on our birthday celebration until later in the year. This leaves me with nothing to do for my birthday. I have no idea what I want to do...

So I'm turning 25. Everyone keeps saying how that is so young, but 25 just feels old! Realistically, my life is a third of the way over. This knowledge has sent me into a bit of a tailspin. I thought by the time I was 25 my life would make sense, I would know what I wanted and be on my way to getting it, but here I am, still going to to school, still having no idea what I want to do, and even less of an idea how to get there.

I saw a friend of mine from high school yesterday. It was so good to see him, it had almost been two years! He is a really talented musician, and a good teacher too, and is going to be a music teacher. There have been some road blocks for him getting his degree, but he is getting through them, and is going to be amazing. I was telling him how lucky I think he is. Not only does he have something that he has a passion for, but he is also good at it. How often does that happen? I wish I had just a small amount of what he has.

I am feeling random, and totally lost these days. I don't seem to know if I am coming or going. My life is great, it really is, but I can't help but thinking that there is more out there than what I am doing. I have this idea that some day I am going to wake up, and my life will make sense. I won't have to wonder why I am doing the things I'm doing, or if what I'm doing is getting me where I want to go, but I'm not sure that is ever going to happen. Just when I feel like I am getting a handle on life, things start shifting again.

My Middle Name

My middle name should be Procrastinator. Or maybe Whiner. It would have been more realistic. Luckily my parents had better taste than that.

My actual middle name is Ann. I'm named after my great aunt, whose name was Elizabeth Ann (little bit of trivia, I was supposed to be named Elizabeth, but when I was born, my mom thought I looked more like a Bethany, so here I am!).

I'm putting off doing homework. Hence a useless blog.

Also, I remembered today how much I freakin love San Antonio!!

Also, today is my two year anniversary of working at UoP! Two years is a really long time in Bethany years!

Oops, I Did it Again

So I have this bad habit of not being able to say no to anything. It's not that I am a push over, or that I hate letting people down, I just like to be involved, and really want to do everything. So I have the tendency to take on too much, and then complain about how stressed I am. Every time I do it, I swear it will never happen again. And then it does.

So it turns out the classes I am doubling up on are both really time consuming. Bad time to double up. And I am going to New Mexico two weekends in a row for my little sister's graduation, and to see my new niece! And my grandma is visiting. And I just got called to serve as the enrichment counselor for the Relief Society. All of these things are so exciting (other than the classes!) and I love every single one of them, but everything at the same time?? Plus work has been crazy the past couple of weeks.

I want to crawl under my bed and come out in a month when this is all over, but I have tons of stuff stored under there, and we are having an ant problem, so it wouldn't be very comfortable. I always come out of these situations just fine, so I'm sure it will work out again. And maybe this time I will learn my lesson!

Think Positive. Well, Sort Of!

I have A LOT of homework that is due tomorrow. I have done very little of it. At this time I need to do a Venn diagram on three learning theories of second language learners, and put together my presentation on language placement tests. And so I am writing a blog, of course!

Life is good. At times, I am so happy I could sing and dance around! But when I do that people point and stare, which makes me less happy, so I try not to... I just wish I wasn't so bored at work, but I'm thinking of ways to change that right now.

I was talking to my roommate last weekend about my weight gain since I moved to Texas. I was telling her that when I lived in Arizona I was the skinniest I have ever been, and yet when I looked in the mirror I only saw flaws. This made me realize that I was never going to be happy about the way I looked, so I decided to change my perspective. Even though it was SO hard, I changed the way I thought. Every time I had a negative thought about myself, I stopped and replaced it with a positive one. At first it seemed so fake, but eventually it became second nature, and I rarely have a negative thought about my body these days. When I look in the mirror I see me, and some days I even see someone beautiful, which is still strange.

This change is a really good thing, but I'm wondering if I need to give my body some tough love. I've been running lately, and I realize I have NO endurance. When I went swimming I could barely do a 50 without gasping for air. And I've gained 20 pounds. And moved up two pant sizes. I think I may have loved my body fat!

On a more positive note, I am 15 days soda free!!! Woo hoo!!!

Good News

Week 2, Day 2 of Running

I can walk! Barely...

Ugh

I decided last night was a good time to start running again.

I can't walk today.

It's the Climb

Lately I have been bored. I get this restless feeling every so often. I blame it on my super short attention span (which is also the reason that I never have seen any movies people talk about). When I get like this I want to move, to find something new or exciting to make me interested in my life again, and to remind me that I can do hard things. I love San Antonio, I love my life, and I am just starting to feel at home here, but I am so bored. I know this is a defect in me. It's just not possible, or a good idea, to reinvent my life every year or so, but I am not sure how to overcome it. When I start a task what I want is to master it. I want to figure out the most efficient way to get it done, and once I do that, I'm done. I've mastered my job, I've mastered getting around San Antonio, and I'm pretty much done. But I can't leave here at least until I'm done with school, and I don't think that leaving is the right thing to do. I've always envied people who have long term friends, people who have known each other forever, and I thought it was something I wanted, but how is that possible for me, when I move so often and never give myself a chance to get to know anyone? It has become very clear to me lately that all the things I want, or think I want, don't fit together, and I can't seem to decide what is the most important.

It always seems like a song comes out that describes just how I am feeling at a particular moment. The song that is speaking to me right now is The Climb by Miley Cyrus. I'm mentally making fun of myself that my current theme song is sung by a teenage Disney star whose father is famous for having an Achy Breaky Heart, sometimes things just fit.

I can almost see it
That dream I am dreaming
But there's a voice inside my head saying
"You'll never reach it"

Every step I'm taking
Every move I make feels
Lost with no direction
My faith is shaking

But I gotta keep trying
Gotta keep my head held high

There's always gonna be another mountain
I'm always gonna wanna make it move
Always gonna be a uphill battle
Sometimes I'm gonna have to lose

Ain't about how fast I get there
Ain't about what's waiting on the other side
It's the climb

The struggles I'm facing
The chances I'm taking
Sometimes might knock me down
But no, I'm not breaking

I may not know it
But these are the moments that
I'm gonna remember most, yeah
Just gotta keep going

And I, I got to be strong
Just keep pushing on

'Cause there's always gonna be another mountain
I'm always gonna wanna make it move
Always gonna be a uphill battle
Sometimes I'm gonna have to lose

Ain't about how fast I get there
Ain't about what's waiting on the other side
It's the climb, yeah!

There's always gonna be another mountain
I'm always gonna wanna make it move
Always gonna be an uphill battle
Somebody's gonna have to lose

Ain't about how fast I get there
Ain't about what's waiting on the other side
It's the climb, yeah!

Evening Shift Musings

It is 9:12 on a Thursday night, and I am at work. Given my usual practice of running out of the building as soon as it is 7:00, this is a bit surprising. (This sounds like the talk of someone who hates her job, I don’t, I just figure that I give 100% to the company 40 hours a week, and I don’t really feel the need to give them much more). I am still here at 9:16 because the front desk guy is on vacation, and I can think of about 100 things to do with the overtime money! While I can think of 100 things to do, I will only do one: put it toward my credit card bill. I am happy to report that I was able to reach my goal of finding $100 more to put into my bill this month. I will have paid off this card in 2 ½ more months! I can’t even tell you how amazing that feels.

In class last night my instructor was talking about self fulfilling prophecies, and how powerful our words about ourselves are. I started thinking about all the negative things I say about myself and my life on a daily basis. I am too fat, too lazy, my toenails aren’t painted just right, my hair looks bad, I haven’t done my laundry, my room is messy, my homework isn’t done, I’m too loud. I go on and on talking about the things I don’t like, which only emphasizes them. There is a person at work who always gets on me for criticizing myself, and it has made me so much more aware of how much I do it. This is bad not only because it makes me a more negative person, it also places my attention all on me, and doesn’t let me see the needs of others. I’m trying really hard to get my life where it needs to be right now, and this is just one more thing to put on the list.

Here's To You, Mr. Ramsey

I have written before about my shopping habit. To me, there is nothing more relaxing than shopping. I love to go to stores, look through the racks, touch everything, and imagine what it would be like to own it. I love all shopping. Housewares, shoes, clothes, homes, groceries, even Costco is enjoyable. Sometimes I find a deal that is "too good" to pass by, and if I don't have the money, I put it on my credit card, fully intending to pay it off with my next paycheck. Ya right... I have compiled an ugly amount of credit card debt with the bad habit of mine. Combine that with a student loan, a car payment, and my moving expenses that I can't seem to get paid off. A few weeks ago my roommate lent me the book Total Money Makeover by Dave Ramsey. It finally talked some sense into me, and I realized I needed to get my debt paid off, and fast! Inspired by a blog I read, Already Pretty, who's author. Sal, I have come to adore! She inspired me to start my own shopping ban.

I'm giving myself $10 a paycheck to spend on frivolous things. This is not just clothes, this includes eating out, going to the movies, and anything else that does not involve rent, grocery shopping and putting gas in my car. It's harder and easier than I thought it would be. Not being able to go down to the cafe and pick up lunch or a cookie is difficult, but after one day of being really hungry I learned to pack a lunch and a few snacks just in case. Not shopping is so strange! I go places with friends, and I actually don't buy anything. I don't even look. I have actually stopped shopping at all, in case I find something I have to have, and then talk myself into spending my whole food budget on it. (I once ate oatmeal for a week and half straight to pay for a Coach purse I found. True story.) It was hard at first to tell people that I can't go out to eat, or shopping, or to a movie with them, because I am trying to pay off my debt, but everyone has been so understanding. Most people even say they wish they were doing the same thing. It's been less than two weeks, so I probably shouldn't be writing long posts on how virtuous I am, because more than likely I will be doing this for a while until I am DEBT FREE and I'm sure that I will make huge mistakes all along the way.

So let me just say, if anyone out there is struggling with debt, read the book! It put things into perspective for me, and I'm hoping it will stay there!

10 Things (Sort of) I Hate About You

A friend of mine was poking fun at my love of Texas, and told me to listen to the Real Men of Genius Mr Way Too Proud of Texas Guy (I hadn't heard it, because if they played in Texas no one would listen). After recognizing myself in some of those lyrics, I feel the need to prove that I am not a Texas nut! So here is a list of things I do NOT like about Texas. Take that!

10. The humidity. My hair refuses to do anything right. Can't go straight, it's too frizzy. Can't go curly, it will fall flat. I end up in a perpetual ponytail.
9. I'm getting fat. This may be something I don't like about myself more than Texas, because if I had more willpower I wouldn't have this problem, but seriously, everything is delicious!
8. You have to drive almost an entire day to get out of the state.
7. The weather will be scorching hot one day, windy the next, and raining the day after. I never know what to wear!
6. The shopping isn't so great. The outlet malls an hour north are really really good, but I feel like I need to spend all day there to make it worth the drive.
5. Everything is slow here, people drive slow, lines move slowly, people even talk slower.

I honestly can't think of 3 more things... I think this shows my true feelings! Skipping straight to the #1 thing I DO NOT LIKE:

1. THE ROADS. Seriously people, a straight line never killed anyone!

Update

I'm sitting on my bed burning 11 hours worth of music and trying to work up the energy to make it back to New Mexico again. It's not that I don't want to go, I just got really sick on my last trip and haven't recovered yet. Driving for the next ten hours is at the bottom of the list of things I want to do right now...

I wanted to give an Ikea update. They called yesterday and said the shelves got returned to the store... So I verified my address, and sure enough, they got it wrong... But they are reshipping them today, so hopefully they will be here soon!

Well, I better get going or I will have to drive in the dark, and in Texas that means the speed limit goes down by 15 mph. I'm not joking.

My Oxymoron

Is it possible for time to be moving too fast and too slow at the same time? On one hand, I wish it were already tomorrow, and on the other hand, I can't think of a way to get everything done that needs to be done by tomorrow.

This time tomorrow I will be in the land of enchantment! I can already taste the green chile...

Pop Up Blocker, Version 2009

I remember when the internet used to have a ton of pop ups. You couldn't go to any site without ten or fifteen advertisements popping up. Luckily some brilliant person thought up pop up blockers. Well, those nasty salesmen have thought of a way to beat us. In person pop ups. I can't go to the mall, or the Wal-Mart parking lot, without someone asking me if I want my hands softened, or my hair straightened, or to buy a magazine. So I have invented my own personal pop up blocker. It's called being a jerk. No I don't have a minute. No I don't want to help you get your trip to Paris, or your scholarship. I always feel bad, but seriously! Let me shop in peace!

Deep Thoughts and Bookshelves

It hit me today. As I was trying to get my lazy buns out of bed, get dressed and out the door, I realized that my dream job will be in training. I then realized two things:

1) I am probably in the wrong masters program. I should probably be in Adult Education and Training.
2) I will probably have to leave the company, or the campus.
3) (I know I said there were only two things, but my motto is underpromise and overperform) I do not want to do either of those two things.

As I was running down the stairs looking for my keys and shoes, I was hit with a wave of sadness. I realized how much I loved living in my house, I loved San Antonio, and I loved this campus. I feel like I am at a turning point, like the decision I am going to make now is going to have an effect on the rest of my life. I'm scared that I will let my comfort level here make the decision for me, and not make the decision that will be the best in the long run.

On a lighter note, I went to Ikea this weekend! It was amazing! For those of you that are keeping score, that would be two trips in three weeks. I might have a bit of an Ikea problem... Well, I got a bookshelf! The one I had wanted for almost two years but couldn't justify spending $89 for. I realized if I put it on it's side it will be the perfect place for my new TV! $89 for a TV stand is a steal! So I get it home, and get ready to put it together. Three pieces are missing!! I call Ikea, and they kindly inform me that they will be happy to replace my parts as soon as I come into the store. As much as I love Ikea, I didn't want to make another three hour drive, so I asked if they could ship it. Yes, they say, it will arrive in 10-14 days. That is so long!!!! I'm hoping that they are telling me it will take longer than it actually will (another great example of underpromise and overperform!) but in the meantime I have a stack of boards in the corner of the living room, and a stack of sadness in the corner of my heart.

Am I Blue? Yes, I'm Blue

Maybe it's the gloomy weather the last couple of days, or the fact that I have been eating a ton of junk food, or the fact that I have plunged myself into yet another four weeks of WayTooMuchToDo land, but I have had some serious blues this past week. I watched Castaway last week (gotta love Tom Hanks!) and I have been living by his last statement "I know what I have to do now. I have to keep breathing. Because tomorrow the sun will rise. Who knows what the tide could bring" (Broyles, W., 2000)?* So I've been living my that motto. Keep breathing. Take one day at a time. Who knows what tomorrow will bring? But in an effort to get myself out of this funk, I am making a list of all the amazing things about my life:

I don't have to be to work until 9 every day, which gives me lots of time to sleep in, and I don't have to fight anyone for shower time, or hot water.
I am blessed with a boss who refuses to micro manage, so I am free to do my job as I see fit (within reason, of course).
I live in a beautiful house with three great girls that don't drive me insane.
I learned to swing dance this weekend, and was pronounced to be a "natural".
I started using shampoo for blonde hair, and my highlights are looking better than ever.
I have glasses that I can wear on days I don't feel like putting my contacts in.
I ate cake for breakfast this morning.
I have the opportunity to mentor a fourth grade girl at a local elementary. Not only is it tons of fun, I also feel like I am doing something worthwhile.
My organ/piano skills are improving, so it's becoming easier to pick hymns each week.
I get to go on vacation in less than a month and will see my whole family two weekends in a row.
I'm going on a cruise in six months.
My job is incredibly stable in this economy.
I'm taking off 6 days in March, and will still have 44 hours of PTO, not even counting sick time.
People at work feel comfortable enough around me to tell me to stop singing.
My car has great speakers that are perfect for blasting music as I drive down the road.
My little sisters are coming the end of next month.

I'm feeling better already. Thanks Tom Hanks!

Reference:
(Broyles, W. (2000). Castaway. Beverly Hills, CA: Twentieth Century Fox Home Entertainment*

*That's right, I cited my source. How do you like me now Mr Oldfield???

My Quest to Become Like Allison

I started running with a podcast at the beginning of the year, as part of my New Year's resolution to not be a big ol fatty. I have a podcast with a workout on it that helps you go from "couch potato to 5k in 9 weeks".

There have been 6 weeks in the year, and I am now on week 2 of the podcast... When things got really crazy at work and I moved, and school got busy, I flaked out. But I started again last week! And now I have a goal. Susan G Komen Race for the Cure. April 4th.

Allison is doing such a great job, she is keeping me on track! Tomorrow, I do week 2 run 2. We'll see how it goes.

Ode to Ikea

I got to go to Ikea today! It was way fun, I forgot how much I missed shopping there. Surprisingly, most of my money was spent on the way home at a Circuit City. Those going out of business sales are killer!

So, I wish I were cool and could write a little poem about Ikea, but I'm not, so as usual I will just make a list of things I love!

1) The first time I went to Ikea I found a kitchen that I swear was made just for me. I honestly almost cried when I saw it. It was so perfect. As other floor plans changed, the kitchen always stayed the same, for almost two years. It might still be there, for all I know.

2) You can touch everything in the store and actually visualize how it would look in your home. Also, you get to look at other people's ideas and then incorporate them!

3) They put so much work into putting the model homes together. There are clothes in the closets, books in the bookshelves. I really feel like I am walking through someone's home.

4) The cafe. I love Swedish meatballs! The cake we had today was especially amazing!

5) Everything fits in flat boxes, which means people with tiny cars like me can still bring home a huge dresser!

6) Cheap frames. Their frames are unbeatable, and they have plastic instead of glass, which is more resistant to shattering (a good thing when you are clumsy like me!)

7) You have to buy the bags. It makes me feel like I am helping the environment.

8) All the Swedish words. I feel like I am getting an international experience along with cheap textiles!

9) There are about a hundred more things, but as this has to potential to be the most boring blog ever thought of, and I'm really tired, I'm going to bed!

Things I Learned While Running

As I was running tonight, I learned a few things:

1) There is the most perfectly proportioned house I have ever seen two streets away.
2) Someone has a full beauty salon in their garage a couple of blocks away.
3) I am allergic to pretty much everything here. My eyes were burning the whole time.
4) It is unwise to eat an entire box of Girl Scout cookies and then run.

This is how I will apply my knowledge:

1) Keep passing by the amazing house to see if it goes up for sale, or at least to see if I can get a peek inside!
2) Check out the people coming out of the garage/salon to see if I want to get my hair done there. I figure it has to be pretty cheap, people wont pay top dollar to go to a garage.
3) Buy more allergy medicine.
4) Well... I can't decide if I would rather stop eating entire boxes of cookies, or if I will just stop running. We'll see.

25 Things About Me

1. I love my bed. I eat many of my meals here, read here, do my homework here. Sometimes I find it hard to get up in the morning, not becuase I am tired, but becuase I am so comfortable.

2. I'm a magazine junky. I never get a subscription, because I would get bored reading the same one every month, but I usually pick up something different every month. I look at every page at least three times, even the advertisements.

3. I like looking in people's windows as I run at night, not in a creepy way, I just like to see how other people decorate.

4. I have a things for clocks. Big clocks, little clocks, I just love them, which might have something to do with...

5! I hate hate hate being late. Even for something dumb. I hate it even more when someone else makes me late.

6. I'm super organized at work, and always clean my desk off before I leave. I am messy at home, and almost never make my bed. I still can't figure out why...

7. I love school. I hate homework, but I love going to class and doing the readings. If I didn't have to write a paper every week, graduate school would be pretty much the funnest thing ever!

8. Every time I see a Hiring sign, even at a gas station or a McDonalds, the thought crosses my mind that I should apply. Same thing with apartments, every time I see a sign that says "Your New Home" I think for half a second about moving.

9. I don't mind performing in front of people, but I hate it when people come up to me afterward and tell me I did a good job, so I never want to do it. I never know what to say. A friend in college who was a music major and understood my need to criticize every little part of my performance taught me to say "I'm glad you enjoyed it" which works well for music, but not so much for a presentation at work. I'm still working on a response for that.

10. I am competitive to the extreme. If you are playing a game with me and I catch you cheating, or if you are on my team and holding me back from winning, I will get very upset. I don't play a lot of team centered games. People tend not to like me...

11. Sometimes when I look in the mirror I am surprised at what I see. The way I think I look and the way I actually look are very different.

12. I don't really know what my hair color is. I haven't seen more than an inch of it since I was 14.

13. I use superlatives too much.

14. My toenails are always painted.

15. I like to argue. Most of the time I just say a lot of words and the other person gets tired and just agrees with me. If I know I am right about something I will argue to the death.

16. I love dishes. I have 6 sets right now, and am always on the lookout for more. Serving dishes are my favorite, the bigger the better!

17. If something ever happens with my job, I am going to be an efficiency expert. I love figuring out the fastest way to do something. I have systems for getting things done at work that save me so much time!

18. I am afraid of falling.

19. I cry at the end of sports movies. Ok, I cry at the end of most movies. Or music videos. Or commercials.

20. I have a running list of all the places I want to go in my life. One of them is the Dr Pepper factory, which is only 3 hours away from me now, so I will probably make it there soon!

21. I love roller coasters.

22. I can spend hours looking at pictures of people I know. I can spend about a minute looking at pictures of people I don't know.

23. I am addicted to linerider.com. I have found I'm pretty awesome at it!

24. I love being at home. I am glad I can't work from home, because I would probably never leave, and would end up living in sweats.

25. Eating is pretty much my favorite thing ever, but I don't like to cook, so I end up living off of peanut butter sandwiches, soup, and string cheese.

We Might Not Have More Fun, But There are Other Benefits!

So I have been blond for exactly a week now, and the results have been very positive! A few reasons why I'm loving it:

1) A couple of guys at work said I looked "hot" (they then added "well, hotter than usual", which I thought was very nice, even though it was an obvious lie)
2) I don't have to wear as much makeup, the blond-ness doesn't wash me out as much as dark hair
3) My hair looks clean a lot longer. I haven't washed my hair in almost three days, and it feels nasty, but it just looks like I used a little too much styling product

I'm still not sure if blond's have more fun, I haven't been in a very fun environment the last few days. Once I do some more research I will be sure to report back!

Time Will Heal All Wounds?

In a desperate attempt to not write my paper about school violence and security, I decided to write a meaningless blog!

I've been thinking lately about decisions I have made that have had a far reaching effect on my life. There are some changes that I have made in my life that, while I know they were the right ones, it still hurts to think about it. There are people and places that I miss so much it makes my heart hurt, but I know it wouldn't do anyone any good to go back. I hate it when I get this sentimental feeling, because I feel like it keeps me from really enjoying my life as it is. I wonder if this feeling comes becuase there is something missing in my life, something more that I could be doing to make sure I don't feel this way, or is it something that is going to come and go throughout my life, and I need to learn how to deal with it. Sometimes I wish I didn't have this sense of adventure, that I could have been happy in New Mexico, where I had family and friends, and didn't get lost every stinking day! But it doesn't do any good to live life with what if's and maybes. The only thing I can do is look forward with faith, and believe that someday I will look back on the path of my life and see that I was heading where I needed to be the whole time.

Why Format??

It's 6:30 in the morning. I'm awake. Not only am I awake, but I am up and doing homework... It's a crazy world. I'm having a huge writers block, mostly becuase I don't care about data driven decision making in schools, so I thought I would blog a bit, maybe get the writing juices flowing a bit!

I decided that I hate APA format. Or any type of format, really. I hate that it can tell me what kind of font to use, and what size, and where to put my commas. I understand the need for everything to be consistent, but does it really matter if I have two spaces after a sentence instead of one?? Is my point not valid if I don't italicize the name of a journal? Really?

Overall, I would say school is going well. I really love being in the classroom again, it is so fun! What I don't love so much is the homework, but what can you do? The funny thing is, if I did half the things I tell my students to do every day, I would be just fine. But I don't. I procrastinate, I don't set up a schedule, I don't check to make sure my citings are correct, I just copy and paste them from the generator! I feel some cognitive dissonance coming on (Hey look! I'm applying my learning!)

I Have What You Might Call a Little Bit of a Shopping Problem!

Today I went to HEB with my roommate, she needed a couple of things. I was planning on getting nothing. As we walked into the store I saw they had OPI nail polish on clearance two for $5. As this is a total steal, and I am always on the lookout for cheap OPI, I took a second to look at it. Most of the colors were weird, like orange or sparkly green, but there were a few good french tip colors, and one really nice pink color, so I ended up getting four. By this time Tia has come back from what she was looking for, and was unable to find. So, I you're keeping score, it is Tia: 0, Bethany: 4. As we are heading to the checkout, I see they have plates on sale, a service for four for $2.95. I'm not joking. They were pretty nice, too! Of course, I had to get them! I love dishes! So I picked up four sets. Again, if you are keeping score it is Tia: 0, Bethany: 8. I ended up spending $20, but I got four very long lasting nail polishes, and enough dishes to have 16 people eat on matching plates, which is the dream, in case you weren't aware!

So What, I'm Still (Not) a Rockstar

I had the amazing opportunity of going to a free Lifehouse concert tonight. I wouldn't say I'm a huge Lifehouse fan, but I like all their songs that I know, I love live music, and I rarely say no to something that is free! First of all, I was surprised at how good they really were. I try to deny it, but I am a total band nerd and somewhat of a music snob. I hate it when bands are out of tune or not totally together, and I was able to enjoy almost all of their music. I also realized that my secret unfulfilled dream is to become a rock star. I would love to be on stage like that, performing my heart out, and having the crowd screaming and singing along. Music just speaks to people in a way other things can't. There are more than a few reasons why this will never happen:

1) I don't have the talent. My voice is fine for singing alto in the ward choir, but its not rock star quality.
2) I can't dance. I would look like an idiot up there, and would run out of moves in about five minutes. Anyone who has seen me dance can agree with that!
3) I don't have a "rock star" look. Unless "Mormon Girl" is the next hot thing, I don't think I ever will.
4) I will never be discovered, as I never do anything that would cause me to be discovered. This would only be a problem if the first 3 reasons weren't so true. Since they are, even if I did do something that would possibly put me in the fast lane to super stardom, it wouldn't matter.

But hey, a girl can dream right? What it did make me think is that I should put a little more effort into the music that I do have available to me. Like playing the organ at church. I have the potential to become a total rock star organist, especially since playing the organ doesn't require any dance moves! I wonder if anyone would mind if I jazzed up the hymns a bit? Maybe brought in a lead guitar? I'm kidding...

2008 Was Great!

I read today that in addition to making resolutions for the new year we should celebrate the good things that happened in the previous year. 2008 was such a huge year for me, I have so much to celebrate!

1) I moved to San Antonio. This was not only a defining moment of the year, I think it will be a defining moment of my life. I am SO happy here.

2) I have increased faith in the Lord, that He is there for me, and has my best interest at heart. I have learned to not worry about things, I just have to work as hard as I can, and somehow things always work out. So many times I have had so many things weighing on my mind that seemed they could not be resolved. I have prayed about them, and almost every time the problems have been solved by the end of the day. Also, I have realized that sometimes what I want is not the best thing for me, and I need to be able to take no for an answer. I can't remember where I read it, but I saw a quote saying that the Lord has three answers to our prayers: 1) Yes, 2) Not right now, and 3) I have something better in mind. Looking back on my life, and especially this past year, I see that so much. Things that I thought I couldn't live without turned out to be the things that were holding me back.

3) Getting a pillowtop mattress. I know this is lame, but I love my bed so much. As much as I love traveling I am always excited to come home, even if it is just to sleep in my bed. If I could figure out a way to live in my bed, I would totally do it.

4) Speaking of coming home! I got to go so many fun places this year. California, Utah, and Mexico were great, but even small trips to Austin and Houston were so much fun. I still have a huge list of places to go in 2009, including the Dr Pepper factory and a cruise!

5) Moving to a ground campus. I know this probably should go under number one of moving to San Antonio, but I feel that they are separate. Having the opportunity to look in to the eyes of my students has made my job so much more real to me. I liked my job before, but now I love it. I really feel that I am changing lives. I cannot wait for commencement in January, it's going to be the biggest motivator to keep working hard!

6) More confidence in myself. This kind of ties into number two, but I feel now like I can do anything. Bring it on life. I can handle hard things!

There are so many other great things that happened in 2008, but these are those I consider my defining moments. I can't wait to make 2009 even better!