Eating!

Jules finally got to eat yesterday! 

I was going to wait a few more weeks, but I had an avocado hanging around, and she had seemed a little extra hungry, so we went for it!

I was expecting her to get excited or make funny faces or something! But she acted like she had been eating her whole life. 

She even grabbed the spoon a couple of times to feed herself. 

I was a little disappointed I didn't get any good faces, but maybe she's going to be a non picky eater just like her mom and dad! 

She did enjoy getting messy and wiping avocado all over her face and the bumbo. 

Five Months

Jules is five months old today!!

I feel like she has learned so much this month. She started talking up a storm, but then she stopped for two weeks while she was learning to roll over. Now that she's mastered the roll, she's back to chattering away! 

Speaking of rolling over, Jules finally decided to roll while I wasn't there!! My mom and Tyler were visiting, and Mom watched Jules while we went to Six Flags. That's when she decided to roll from her tummy to her back the first time! Then while Steve and I were celebrating our anniversary a few days later, she rolled from her back to her front. I guess she would rather perform for Grandma than Mom!!

She wants to eat SO badly. We put her on the table in her Bumbo when we eat dinner and she reaches for our food and smacks her lips. We went out to eat last week and when the food came out she looked so sad. Poor baby still has to wait a whole month before her mean momma will feed her!

Jules is such a good baby. We cart her around everywhere and she never seems to mind. She didn't even fuss when we kept her in her carseat for 10 hours on our way to New Mexico. 

Happy birthday baby girl!!

Twenty-Nine

I turned twenty-nine this week! I can't believe it. It's not that I think twenty-nine is old, but I still feel twenty-two most of the time!! It still freaks me out a little bit that I'm doing adult things. I'm married, have a baby and own a home. Shouldn't I have passed a test or something before someone let me do this?? I really feel like I'm going to get life audited someday and they will realize I've just been pretending to be responsible this whole time. 

I've also realized there are some important life skills a thirty year old should have that I am lacking:

- Putting my hair in a french twist. I've tried to learn before, but this time I'm serious. Seriously. 

-  Keeping the floor clean for more than two days. What is so hard about vacuuming? Nothing. Nothing is hard about it. But I still don't do it consistently enough. 

- Remembering to take my car for an oil change/tire rotation/tune up. Actually, scratch that. I got married so I wouldn't have to think about that. Don't worry. There were other reasons too. 

- Not freaking out when I see a bug. Seriously, what do I think is going to happen? It's a bug, not a bomb. Hit it with a shoe and move on with your life woman!!

So if you need me in the next twelve months, you know where I'll be. In the bathroom watching youtube videos and practicing my french twist. Because that's what grown ups do. 

Stick to the Plan

I decided a long time ago that when I had a baby I would do everything in my power to stay home with her. Steve and I made financial decisions based on that choice. It was part of our plan. But then I had Jules and all of the sudden I didn't know what to do. I agonized about still working, working part time, working as a freelancer. I finally decided to quit. I knew I was making the right choice, but I would still think about going back to work almost every day.

Then I realized. I need to stop making the same decision over and over. I had a plan, and now I need to stick to it. Making the decision over and over to stay home was keeping me from really being happy in my new phase in life.

I am not a decisive person, and I think I do this to myself a lot. I like to plan ahead, and I decide in advance what the best choice is, but then when it comes time to execute the plan, I have second (and third and fourth) thoughts. It is good to be flexible and roll with the punches, but most of the time I just need to stick to the plan.

Things Someone Should Invent

• A supportive sports bra you don't have to dislocate your shoulder to get out of. 
• A machine that washes, dries and folds the laundry. 
• An oven that sends you a text when the timer goes off.
• A car that drives itself while you sleep.
• An automatic diaper changer. 
• A comforter that separates so no one steals the covers.
• A filter that blocks annoying Facebook statuses.
• A one way soundproof room, so baby can't hear anything, but you can hear them.

Anyone know an inventor I could talk to??

Four Months

I can't believe it! Jules was four months old yesterday!

She had her four month checkup on her month birthday, along with another round of shots (no fun). Her height and weight were in the 43rd percentile, and her head was in the 90th! That must be why she's so smart, right??

She has started to giggle this month! Steve is much better at making her laugh, I guess he's just funnier than I am? She has also started to grab onto toys and try to put them in her mouth. She loves chewing on fingers, and I'm pretty sure I felt the start of a tooth on her gum this week! She is also able to sit up with support, so she doesn't want to lay down as much. When she's in a bouncer or her car seat she tries to pull herself forward to sit up. She is SO close to rolling over. She can get from her back to her right side, but can't quite figure out how to make it the rest of the way. 

Her hair is starting to fill in, and it's looking pretty dark right now. I'm still hoping she'll get some of Steve's curls! 

It is so fun to watch her learn every day! 

Feedback

I've found that it's really difficult to tell someone that you are struggling with something. When you tell someone you're feeling particularly ugly that day, it's like they are obligated to say "Oh no, you're beautiful!" Which is probably a good thing. I don't really want someone to agree that I look like a cow that has been run over by a dump truck.

When you tell someone that you feel overwhelmed as a new parent, they say it's normal, and that you're doing great. But sometimes I know that's a lie. I am not always doing great. Sometimes I suck. But really, I don't need anyone to agree that forgetting to bathe my baby for a week makes me a bad mother.

But sometimes it would be nice to be able to get an honest opinion about something. I think that's where websites like Hot or Not came to be. Remember that? It was a horrible, horrible place, but at the same time it was really fun. And I understand why people would want to see what others think of them, but in a somewhat private way.

I think that is the hardest thing about not working anymore is that I don't get regular feedback. I used to be told every few days, or every few weeks at the most, how I was doing. Formal reviews happened twice a year, but between that I would get good job emails, or someone telling me that I missed the mark completely and needed to start over. I had clear objectives that I either hit, or didn't. I could assign a number to what I did every day.

Jules doesn't respond to much that I do, other than smiling and cooing now and then. Steve is too nice to tell me that dinner was horrible, probably because he knows he would end up cooking for a week or more. There are no metrics for motherhood, no ratings for a clean house, and nothing is ever really done.

I'm turning off comments so no one feels the need to give the obligatory You're Doing Great cheer. I don't really think I'm doing that bad. Jules is alive and growing, and generally seems pretty happy. I haven't burned the house down. Steve hasn't run away from home. But I think there is something soothing about acknowledging that sometimes, I suck at life. And it's ok.