Think Positive. Well, Sort Of!

I have A LOT of homework that is due tomorrow. I have done very little of it. At this time I need to do a Venn diagram on three learning theories of second language learners, and put together my presentation on language placement tests. And so I am writing a blog, of course!

Life is good. At times, I am so happy I could sing and dance around! But when I do that people point and stare, which makes me less happy, so I try not to... I just wish I wasn't so bored at work, but I'm thinking of ways to change that right now.

I was talking to my roommate last weekend about my weight gain since I moved to Texas. I was telling her that when I lived in Arizona I was the skinniest I have ever been, and yet when I looked in the mirror I only saw flaws. This made me realize that I was never going to be happy about the way I looked, so I decided to change my perspective. Even though it was SO hard, I changed the way I thought. Every time I had a negative thought about myself, I stopped and replaced it with a positive one. At first it seemed so fake, but eventually it became second nature, and I rarely have a negative thought about my body these days. When I look in the mirror I see me, and some days I even see someone beautiful, which is still strange.

This change is a really good thing, but I'm wondering if I need to give my body some tough love. I've been running lately, and I realize I have NO endurance. When I went swimming I could barely do a 50 without gasping for air. And I've gained 20 pounds. And moved up two pant sizes. I think I may have loved my body fat!

On a more positive note, I am 15 days soda free!!! Woo hoo!!!

Good News

Week 2, Day 2 of Running

I can walk! Barely...

Ugh

I decided last night was a good time to start running again.

I can't walk today.

It's the Climb

Lately I have been bored. I get this restless feeling every so often. I blame it on my super short attention span (which is also the reason that I never have seen any movies people talk about). When I get like this I want to move, to find something new or exciting to make me interested in my life again, and to remind me that I can do hard things. I love San Antonio, I love my life, and I am just starting to feel at home here, but I am so bored. I know this is a defect in me. It's just not possible, or a good idea, to reinvent my life every year or so, but I am not sure how to overcome it. When I start a task what I want is to master it. I want to figure out the most efficient way to get it done, and once I do that, I'm done. I've mastered my job, I've mastered getting around San Antonio, and I'm pretty much done. But I can't leave here at least until I'm done with school, and I don't think that leaving is the right thing to do. I've always envied people who have long term friends, people who have known each other forever, and I thought it was something I wanted, but how is that possible for me, when I move so often and never give myself a chance to get to know anyone? It has become very clear to me lately that all the things I want, or think I want, don't fit together, and I can't seem to decide what is the most important.

It always seems like a song comes out that describes just how I am feeling at a particular moment. The song that is speaking to me right now is The Climb by Miley Cyrus. I'm mentally making fun of myself that my current theme song is sung by a teenage Disney star whose father is famous for having an Achy Breaky Heart, sometimes things just fit.

I can almost see it
That dream I am dreaming
But there's a voice inside my head saying
"You'll never reach it"

Every step I'm taking
Every move I make feels
Lost with no direction
My faith is shaking

But I gotta keep trying
Gotta keep my head held high

There's always gonna be another mountain
I'm always gonna wanna make it move
Always gonna be a uphill battle
Sometimes I'm gonna have to lose

Ain't about how fast I get there
Ain't about what's waiting on the other side
It's the climb

The struggles I'm facing
The chances I'm taking
Sometimes might knock me down
But no, I'm not breaking

I may not know it
But these are the moments that
I'm gonna remember most, yeah
Just gotta keep going

And I, I got to be strong
Just keep pushing on

'Cause there's always gonna be another mountain
I'm always gonna wanna make it move
Always gonna be a uphill battle
Sometimes I'm gonna have to lose

Ain't about how fast I get there
Ain't about what's waiting on the other side
It's the climb, yeah!

There's always gonna be another mountain
I'm always gonna wanna make it move
Always gonna be an uphill battle
Somebody's gonna have to lose

Ain't about how fast I get there
Ain't about what's waiting on the other side
It's the climb, yeah!

Evening Shift Musings

It is 9:12 on a Thursday night, and I am at work. Given my usual practice of running out of the building as soon as it is 7:00, this is a bit surprising. (This sounds like the talk of someone who hates her job, I don’t, I just figure that I give 100% to the company 40 hours a week, and I don’t really feel the need to give them much more). I am still here at 9:16 because the front desk guy is on vacation, and I can think of about 100 things to do with the overtime money! While I can think of 100 things to do, I will only do one: put it toward my credit card bill. I am happy to report that I was able to reach my goal of finding $100 more to put into my bill this month. I will have paid off this card in 2 ½ more months! I can’t even tell you how amazing that feels.

In class last night my instructor was talking about self fulfilling prophecies, and how powerful our words about ourselves are. I started thinking about all the negative things I say about myself and my life on a daily basis. I am too fat, too lazy, my toenails aren’t painted just right, my hair looks bad, I haven’t done my laundry, my room is messy, my homework isn’t done, I’m too loud. I go on and on talking about the things I don’t like, which only emphasizes them. There is a person at work who always gets on me for criticizing myself, and it has made me so much more aware of how much I do it. This is bad not only because it makes me a more negative person, it also places my attention all on me, and doesn’t let me see the needs of others. I’m trying really hard to get my life where it needs to be right now, and this is just one more thing to put on the list.

Here's To You, Mr. Ramsey

I have written before about my shopping habit. To me, there is nothing more relaxing than shopping. I love to go to stores, look through the racks, touch everything, and imagine what it would be like to own it. I love all shopping. Housewares, shoes, clothes, homes, groceries, even Costco is enjoyable. Sometimes I find a deal that is "too good" to pass by, and if I don't have the money, I put it on my credit card, fully intending to pay it off with my next paycheck. Ya right... I have compiled an ugly amount of credit card debt with the bad habit of mine. Combine that with a student loan, a car payment, and my moving expenses that I can't seem to get paid off. A few weeks ago my roommate lent me the book Total Money Makeover by Dave Ramsey. It finally talked some sense into me, and I realized I needed to get my debt paid off, and fast! Inspired by a blog I read, Already Pretty, who's author. Sal, I have come to adore! She inspired me to start my own shopping ban.

I'm giving myself $10 a paycheck to spend on frivolous things. This is not just clothes, this includes eating out, going to the movies, and anything else that does not involve rent, grocery shopping and putting gas in my car. It's harder and easier than I thought it would be. Not being able to go down to the cafe and pick up lunch or a cookie is difficult, but after one day of being really hungry I learned to pack a lunch and a few snacks just in case. Not shopping is so strange! I go places with friends, and I actually don't buy anything. I don't even look. I have actually stopped shopping at all, in case I find something I have to have, and then talk myself into spending my whole food budget on it. (I once ate oatmeal for a week and half straight to pay for a Coach purse I found. True story.) It was hard at first to tell people that I can't go out to eat, or shopping, or to a movie with them, because I am trying to pay off my debt, but everyone has been so understanding. Most people even say they wish they were doing the same thing. It's been less than two weeks, so I probably shouldn't be writing long posts on how virtuous I am, because more than likely I will be doing this for a while until I am DEBT FREE and I'm sure that I will make huge mistakes all along the way.

So let me just say, if anyone out there is struggling with debt, read the book! It put things into perspective for me, and I'm hoping it will stay there!

10 Things (Sort of) I Hate About You

A friend of mine was poking fun at my love of Texas, and told me to listen to the Real Men of Genius Mr Way Too Proud of Texas Guy (I hadn't heard it, because if they played in Texas no one would listen). After recognizing myself in some of those lyrics, I feel the need to prove that I am not a Texas nut! So here is a list of things I do NOT like about Texas. Take that!

10. The humidity. My hair refuses to do anything right. Can't go straight, it's too frizzy. Can't go curly, it will fall flat. I end up in a perpetual ponytail.
9. I'm getting fat. This may be something I don't like about myself more than Texas, because if I had more willpower I wouldn't have this problem, but seriously, everything is delicious!
8. You have to drive almost an entire day to get out of the state.
7. The weather will be scorching hot one day, windy the next, and raining the day after. I never know what to wear!
6. The shopping isn't so great. The outlet malls an hour north are really really good, but I feel like I need to spend all day there to make it worth the drive.
5. Everything is slow here, people drive slow, lines move slowly, people even talk slower.

I honestly can't think of 3 more things... I think this shows my true feelings! Skipping straight to the #1 thing I DO NOT LIKE:

1. THE ROADS. Seriously people, a straight line never killed anyone!